Joy

Sometimes I have a hard time forming my thoughts into sentences.  How do you describe the emotional rollercoaster of infertility?  Yesterday I happened upon an article that touched on feelings  I had never been able to convey or did not feel I could share.  It was almost a relief reading the “things your infertile friend wants you know” because it told me I was not alone.  I am not the only person who feels these things.  For a very long time I could not hold babies, because it would make me sob.  I was so upset about what I was lacking that I couldn’t be happy that someone else got their dream.  Those were selfish times, trying times, times I do not look back on in fond remembrance.  Since this past summer, God has done a tremendous thing in me.  He took away some of the pain and let me love again.  He made it possible for me to hold someone else’s baby and feel joy.  In the article I read yesterday it mentioned that when she held babies it made her feel like a mom for just a minute.  That is exactly what I have been feeling lately, that when I hold a baby I feel like all is right.  The baby I am holding at the time may not be mine, but needs me in that moment, counts on me, holds my finger, smiles at me.  What a precious time and I am so thankful the Lord opened my heart and melted away most of my selfish feelings.  Today, in school, we had our Valentines party and I had the privilege of holding a little precious during the whole party.   It made my heart full to overflowing.  For that hour I felt like a mom.  I know my day will come and I pray that it is soon.  I am thankful, though, for the place I am in now…..a place of seeing these beautiful miracles and being able to snuggle them and love on them and have no feelings of sadness.