Free!

Science…..If you know me, it is not my favorite subject.  😉  That is actually putting it mildly!  But, in the case of infertility, I relied heavily on it.  Tests to show me if something was wrong….medicines that are supposed to help…treatments timed perfectly.  Science was not the answer for me.  I am a planner, a doer, and problem fixer, but no amount of science has helped me become a mother.  We recently finished our last treatment…our last chance to have science help us.  The day we found out it did not work, after I was able to stop the tears from streaming and to pick myself up off the floor, I came to a conclusion:  I cannot rely on science.  I need to rely on God.  That day I stopped taking all my medicines, all the supplements, everything.  For over 5 years I have let my infertility control me.  I have taken more medicine than even seems healthy, fretted over things such as too much caffeine or not eating “clean” enough.  The truth is, I just couldn’t take the stress of it anymore.  I have by no means given up on having a biological child.  It is simply that I now know I tried everything I humanly could to get pregnant.  Though I have always acknowledged and known God was in control, I still wanted to try everything I could to make it happen.  That day I was finally able to let go.  No more meds.  No more worrying about this or that.  It has actually been a freeing experience.  Infertility no longer has control over me.  It is not who I am.  I will be a mother, whether I look down and see a face resembling mine or not.  God will provide.  God will work the miracle.  It will not be through anything I have done.  To Him be the glory!