It has been a while since I’ve written. Partly writer’s block. Partly life. Partly sadness. The last one, has been a real struggle. I have not been able to sift through all of it. It is not something I can even fully explain because I love my life. So this sinking feeling I’ve been experiencing like a weight of sad emotions keeping me from leaving the couch have me puzzled. It isn’t every day and actually things have been better the past week or so. I have tried finding the root cause and am just feeling like I have let the stresses of life get to me. A list that is never complete. A bank account continuing to deplete month after month. Parenting young children 9 months apart in age. Comparison. Feeling no one ever gets the best of me. I am sure I am not alone in these feelings. I don’t think I am strange for struggling.
As I look back over the past few weeks, I have been spending less time with my Father. Is that because of the sadness or the cause of the sadness? I was listening to worship music this morning and the song “Breathe” by Michael W. Smith came on and it caused me to pause. “And I, I’m desperate for You. And I, I’m lost without You.” Two short sentences that evoked a response within me. Am I feeling like that right now? Am I desperate for Him or have I lost that spark? Am I lost without Him attempting to navigate this struggle on my own?
It was one of those moments where you see more fully the true issue. It isn’t that is it unusual to feel incredible stress in trying circumstances. It is more about the fact that I have failed to completely lay it at His feet. I am, by nature, a fixer. That can be good and bad, with the latter causing me to often try on my own and fail multiple times before finally bringing it to the Lord. You would think I would learn my lesson. Stubbornness is also one of my character flaws! So, here I am today, broken, beat down, insufficient, but filled with hope. The Lord has gotten me through harder times and He will deliver me now. Isn’t that so wonderful to know?! I can cast my cares on Him and He hears my prayers. Just typing that brings peace.
Even as I finish this post, I am heading to my prayer spot to literally get down on my knees and pray to Him for comfort, provision, and a peace that surpasses all understanding. These few weeks have been a good reminder of how important it is to be in daily communication with Him, to share my heart and present my worries. I need to truly trust the Lord. Often I find it so easy to speak those words but my actions tell another tale. May I find solace in the arms of my Savior. Mold me. Refine me. Comfort me.