Since this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, I thought I should write a little something.
Infertile…That word is a little hard for me to choke down. It has been the cause of countless tears. I thought I would share some of the emotions I have experienced.
Infertility has changed me…
It has made me feel things I didn’t know I could feel…
Say things I didn’t think I would say…
Do things I didn’t think I would do…
AND depending on the time, during this trial, it could have been positive or negative…
Let me start with the negative.
I had no idea I could feel so sad. There were times I thought for sure I would never smile again. In particularly low moments I would desire to lay in the fetal position in my closet to never face the world again.
I really battled with jealousy. It reared its ugly head quite often. Probably, daily, for a long time.
Sometimes I would say things I did not really mean or believe.
“Why does that person get to be pregnant?”
“God must be punishing me.”
I would yell at God about how unfair it was that “everyone” else was getting pregnant so easily.
My actions were greatly impacted as a result. I skipped friends’ showers because I selfishly couldn’t deal with it. At events with pregnant friends I would find myself saying nothing, as if mute. I would never have thought, as a person who was terrified of shots, that I would be giving myself 5 shots a day just for a chance of becoming pregnant.
There have been positives, though.
As a result of this, almost 6 year, trial I had no idea how much love I would feel for my husband. Our love has deepened more than I thought possible, when this disease can destroy marriages.
My feelings about the Lord have changed. I believe I placed God in a box, limited Him. I think I thought He was only good if He gave me a biological child in my time frame. How could He work in a way other than that? Little by little, in His unending patience, He opened my heart to other possibilities. I have found He is always good. I’ve always known that, but did not always, in the thick of it, feel it.
Now I can say, “God is good, all the time.” I am currently not holding a baby in my arms and I can still say it. Even if this adoption in July does not work out, I will say it. I may be in tears as I do, but I truly believe it.
Allowing God to work on me in this trial has allowed me to speak about it. There were times where I couldn’t utter a word for fear of breaking into uncontrollable sobs.
As I have been molded more to His image, I have found I want to focus more on others. One of the reasons I started this blog was to, hopefully, help at least one other woman feel she is not alone. The Lord has given me such a peace that I can now be around the children of friends and family and the love that wells up in me for them cuts straight through the intense jealousy I used to feel. I work to be an encouragement to others and that often, in turn, encourages me.
This journey has not always been pretty. At times it has brought out an ugliness in me I didn’t know existed. The Lord has been refining me and bringing those impurities to the surface so I can deal with them. Either I could let jealousy, anger, and bitterness control me or I could allow myself to be molded into what the Lord wanted to see in me.
As time closes in on the impending arrival of our potential little girl, I want to focus on the Lord and continuing to grow more like Him. I want to be able to share my story with her some day-the one with all the ups and downs-but with the grand finale of finding a closeness to the Lord I had not ever known. I want her to be proud of me and to find me to be a godly example. I want her to understand how badly I wanted her and that even though there were years of heartache, we were given the most perfect gift in her…..that she was worth the wait.
Of course, it may take me years to be able to share with her, verbally, the depth of my love because I may just cry through the whole thing….tears of joy…tears of happiness….tears from an overwhelming thankfulness that the Lord allowed me to be her mommy.